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Two new (for me) jokes
Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.
"Confused, Tom asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - Priceless !
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Once there was a Rabbi who lived in a small town. Every morning the Rabbi went for a walk to the local synagogue. At the same time each morning the local Priest got into his car and drove to his local church.
Each morning the Priest would toot his horn and greet the Rabbi a good morning.
One morning, the Priest got out of his car, came over to the Rabbi and asked him why at his age does he walk each morning. The priest suggested that the Rabbi should buy a car...
"On a Rabbi's salary, I cannot afford to buy a car" said the Rabbi.
The priest thought for a moment, then said, " Why don't you buy a small moped (motor-bike)".
The Rabbi, thought that was a fabulous idea, and sure enough the next morning the Rabbi was on his bike. And so it went on again each morning, the Priest greeting the Rabbi.
Unitl one morning.... the rabbi was walking to synagogue. The Priest jumped out of his car... "Where is you bike, Rabbi?" asked the priest.
"I don't know vy someone vould steel my bike" said the Rabbi, quite distraught.
The Priest had an idea.
"This Saturday, when you get up to give your sermon in synagogue, quote the 10 Commandments", said the Priest. "When you reach the commandment - Thou Shalt not Steal.... look around the synagogue. Someone will feel guilty and return your bike"
Sunday morning, and the Rabbi is back on his bike. The priest was so excited. "You did as I suggested and the bike has been returned" said the priest.
"Vell nearly" said the rabbi, "I began my sermon and quoted the 10 commandments, but ven I got to the commandment - Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery - I remembered vhere I left my bike"...
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.
"Confused, Tom asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - Priceless !
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Once there was a Rabbi who lived in a small town. Every morning the Rabbi went for a walk to the local synagogue. At the same time each morning the local Priest got into his car and drove to his local church.
Each morning the Priest would toot his horn and greet the Rabbi a good morning.
One morning, the Priest got out of his car, came over to the Rabbi and asked him why at his age does he walk each morning. The priest suggested that the Rabbi should buy a car...
"On a Rabbi's salary, I cannot afford to buy a car" said the Rabbi.
The priest thought for a moment, then said, " Why don't you buy a small moped (motor-bike)".
The Rabbi, thought that was a fabulous idea, and sure enough the next morning the Rabbi was on his bike. And so it went on again each morning, the Priest greeting the Rabbi.
Unitl one morning.... the rabbi was walking to synagogue. The Priest jumped out of his car... "Where is you bike, Rabbi?" asked the priest.
"I don't know vy someone vould steel my bike" said the Rabbi, quite distraught.
The Priest had an idea.
"This Saturday, when you get up to give your sermon in synagogue, quote the 10 Commandments", said the Priest. "When you reach the commandment - Thou Shalt not Steal.... look around the synagogue. Someone will feel guilty and return your bike"
Sunday morning, and the Rabbi is back on his bike. The priest was so excited. "You did as I suggested and the bike has been returned" said the priest.
"Vell nearly" said the rabbi, "I began my sermon and quoted the 10 commandments, but ven I got to the commandment - Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery - I remembered vhere I left my bike"...
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