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  • Newsflash (not political)

    Newsflash from Santa, Inc.

    The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement program has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions here at corporate headquarters. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of shareholder equity and return. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled and the success of the CEO's new diet.

    Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reductions in reindeer will also lessen the airborne environmental emissions for which we have received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's traditional team leader position will not be disturbed. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph, "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load," was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

    We assure all our customers that service will in no way be affected and no further changes in the delivery department are presently contemplated.

    However, the following economy measures are to be taken in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary, where profitability has not reached forecasted levels.

    The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop envisioned. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

    The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours cannot be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

    The three French hens will remain. Research shows the French are very popular.

    The four calling birds are being replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to determine who the birds were calling, how often and how long they talked.

    The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on a single commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.

    The six geese a-laying constitute a luxury that we can no longer afford. It has long been felt that the production rate of 1 egg per goose per day is an example of the decline of productivity. Three geese will be let go, and through improved management a production goal of 2 eggs per goose per day can be achieved. We must outperform the competition.

    The seven swans a-swimming performed only a decorative function. While beautiful, in these times, beauty is not its own reward. They will be replaced by mechanical swans. Outplacement services will be provided to retrain the swans in some new strokes.

    As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. In addition, this was regarded as a deadend position with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

    The nine ladies dancing has been identified as a cause of disproportionate numbers of repetitive motion injuries. The function will be outsourced to an overseas vendor and performance video tape distributed in lieu of the expensive personal appearances.

    Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with out of work Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat reduced the ability of the Congressmen to dodge and evade should prove a viable alternative.

    Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of excessive fat in a successful organization. A substitution of a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce immediate improvements in the bottom line.

    Stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. We will ship all products on an In- order -today, ship - today basis.

    Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the Legal profession (thirteen lawyers a-suing), management is confident that any rational interpretation of Christmas will not include lawyers.

    Management feels these measures will suffice to ensure productivity and our bonuses. Should, however, additional measures become necessary, we may examine the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the rightsized number.
    Brian (the devil incarnate)

  • #2
    Life is a bed of roses. Everyone else sees the roses, you are the one being gored by the thorns.

    AMD PhenomII555@B55(Quadcore-3.2GHz) Gigabyte GA-890FXA-UD5 Kingston 1x2GB Generic 8400GS512MB WD1.5TB LGMulti-Drive Dell2407WFP
    ***Matrox G400DH 32MB still chugging along happily in my other pc***

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