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Never talk on your cell phone in a bathroom...

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  • Never talk on your cell phone in a bathroom...

    Ripped from another forum...

    All in all, it hadn't been a good day.
    Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
    1. Occupied.
    2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
    3. Poo on seat.
    4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
    5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
    Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

    I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

    Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

    Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

    "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

    Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

    Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

    Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

    There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

    After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

    As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

    I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

    Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

  • #2
    Rofl Rofl Rofl Rofl

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    • #3
      Holy s$%t, that was funny

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      • #4
        LoL!

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        • #5
          Oh geez. Read this like 45 minutes ago and I'm still chuckling.

          Jon... your sig... so fitting.
          “And, remember: there's no 'I' in 'irony'” ~ Merlin Mann

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          • #6
            Yeah, you don't want to know what I've done to get my MPG up even higher... I'll just say it required modifing the driver seat and gas tank...

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            • #7
              /meow
              Intel Core 2 Quad Q6600
              Asus Striker ][
              8GB Corsair XMS2 DDR2 800 (4x2GB)
              Asus EN8800GT 512MB x2(SLI)

              I am C4tX0r, hear me mew!

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              • #8
                ...

                :d :d :d




                ...
                Diplomacy, it's a way of saying “nice doggie”, until you find a rock!

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                • #9
                  Doing this to someone who deserves this is most satisfying.

                  Had a coworker that always insisted on using the bathroom very near my office every time he shit. This frequency was cut down when he went in two minutes after me one day. I could hear this smuck mutter "Damn." while simultaneously trying to hold his breath and I just bust out laughing. Oh sweet, sweet revenge.

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                  • #10
                    Sir.... I salute you. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. It was very much appreciated.
                    Wikipedia and Google.... the needles to my tangent habit.
                    ________________________________________________

                    That special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, Or maybe below the cockles, Maybe in the sub-cockle area, Maybe in the liver, Maybe in the kidneys, Maybe even in the colon, We don't know.

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                    • #11
                      Glad you guys liked it. I literally laughed out loud at work today I had tears streaming down my face and I was trying to compose myself because I was about ready to get on a conference call. I had to think horrible thoughts just to keep myself from laughing on the call
                      Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

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                      • #12
                        Bwahahahaha!

                        "I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

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                        • #13
                          That was hilarious!
                          “Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out”
                          –The Light Fantastic, Terry Pratchett

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