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VJ
23rd November 2005, 06:02
The CEO's of Palm (Belgian beer), Heineken (Dutch beer) and Amstel (Dutch beer) are together in a bar. Someone comes to take their order.

Heineken CEO: "I'll have a Heineken."

Amstel CEO: "I'll have an Amstel."

Palm CEO: "Just give me a water."


The other two look suprised:
"Aren't you drinking a Palm?"

The Palm CEO replied: "Well, if you guys don't drink beer, I won't either."
:D


Jörg

Umfriend
23rd November 2005, 06:09
Three marines, a russian, an american and a belgian, are sitting on a bench. Says the russian: "We have subs that can stay down for a week". The american responds: "He, our subs stay down for a month, easily". Comes the belgian: "Dude! Our subs never surface again!"

VJ
23rd November 2005, 06:30
... euhm... Belgian navy doesn't have manned subs...:p

A British archeologist was digging and found bits of copper. From these bits, he concluded that ancient Britons used to have a telephone network.
Not to be outdone, a German archeologist found bits of glass - and concluded that the ancient Germans used to have a fibre-optic network.
A Dutch archeologist went digging and found - nothing. He concluded that the ancient Dutch had a cell phone network...

dZeus
23rd November 2005, 06:33
but are you sure the CEO of Heineken is schizophrenic?

edit: editing this post didn't change its meaning, now did it?

VJ
23rd November 2005, 06:36
ehh Amstel CEO and Heineken CEO are the same person :D
Oops... :D

edit: Hey, don't change your post after it has been quoted!


anyway the only proper belgian beers are Stella Artois and Jupiler :)
Well, there is more to beer than just the pils... :)


Jörg

Umfriend
23rd November 2005, 06:36
A German, a French and a Belgian are sitting by the pool. Comes up a fairy that says they can all have a wish: they need to dive from the springboard and whatever the say will be in the pool.

The German jumps and shouts "Bier". The Frenchman jumps and says "Wine". The Belgian walks on the springboard, slips, falls and shouts "shit!"

VJ
23rd November 2005, 06:41
Two Dutchmen and two Belgians are traveling by train. At the station the Dutch each buy a ticket and watch as the Belgians buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Dutch astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers a Belgian.

They all board the train. The Dutch take their respective seats but the Belgians cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand... The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Dutch see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so for the return trip they decide to try a similar plan.

When they get to the station, the Dutch are at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Belgians don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says one of the Dutch. "Live and learn," answers a Belgian.

When they board the train the Dutch cram themselves into a toilet and the Belgians cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, a Belgian leaves the toilet, walks over to the Dutch's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

Umfriend
23rd November 2005, 06:55
What text is on a package of a Morning After Pill in Belgium?

"**** before use"

Brian Ellis
23rd November 2005, 06:55
What about Mort subite (Sudden Death)?

My favourite histoire belge:

A police patrol in Belgium saw what seemed to be a pile of minced meat in a field. They stopped the car to investigate and found in the pile what appeared to be a human tooth. They called the local police chief and a team came over to shovel it into bins which they took to a forensic lab. They confirmed the flesh was human. A big hunt started to try to find out who the guy was and how he met his end, whether there was a crime. The first thing they did was to consult the missing persons register. They found nothing until, the following day, they received a phone call from the Rector of Ghent University stating that the Professor of Aeronautics had not turned up to take his courses and there was no reply from his apartment. The police went along to the University and the Rector took them to the Faculty of Aeronautics. They interviewed a number of students and staff and were no wiser until they spoke to a post-grad who was taking his doctorate. This guy was a little reticent but explained that the prof had left the faculty the previous day at about 10.30.

"Did you know where he was going?"

"He said he was going to the airfield for some experiments."

"What was he working on?"

"An ejection seat for helicopters." :D

Brian Ellis
23rd November 2005, 07:00
Did you know Belgian women have square nipples?

It is so the babies get used to the shape of pommes frites.

VJ
23rd November 2005, 07:05
Brian:
Sorry to ruin your joke, but there are helicopters with ejection seats...
http://www.ejectionsite.com/ejectfaq.htm#2
And here is a picture of the Russian one: http://avia.russian.ee/vertigo/ka-52-r.html



Jörg

Brian Ellis
23rd November 2005, 07:18
In the days when Belgium had capital punishment by firing squad in times of war, a gang of three traitors, one French, one Spanish and one Belgian were condemned to death in Liège, for high treason. The following day at dawn, they were taken out and the Franchman was lined up against a wall in a field. The officer in charge shouts "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the Frenchman yells, "Earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. He manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the Spaniard forward, and the officer shouts "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The Spaniard then screams, "Tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. He too escapes execution.

By this point, the Belgian had figured out what the others did.

The guards bring him forward, and the officer shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The Belgian shouts, "Fire!!"

VJ
23rd November 2005, 07:24
:D

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your ... behind... without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Brian Ellis
23rd November 2005, 08:04
:D

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your ... behind... without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

I take it that this took place in the then Belgian Congo and the third guy was the Belgian District Commissioner??? :D

Umfriend
23rd November 2005, 08:16
Brian:
Sorry to ruin your joke, but there are helicopters with ejection seats...
http://www.ejectionsite.com/ejectfaq.htm#2
And here is a picture of the Russian one: http://avia.russian.ee/vertigo/ka-52-r.html



JörgHow does that ruin the joke? Everyone knows any other nationality could have though of working ejection seats for helicopters, that is the point!
:p

Brian Ellis
24th November 2005, 00:49
Brian:
Sorry to ruin your joke, but there are helicopters with ejection seats...
http://www.ejectionsite.com/ejectfaq.htm#2
And here is a picture of the Russian one: http://avia.russian.ee/vertigo/ka-52-r.html



Jörg

That, coming from a Belgian, is a joke in itself :D :D

Fat Tone
24th November 2005, 01:02
RE Helicopter ejector seats, ISTR a comment on some documenttary that they don't have a good record for blowing the blades first :eek: (That could be the abandoned USA design though).

GuchiGuh
24th November 2005, 04:31
LMAO, never mind the helicopter, anything engineering is possible (if enough funds are available), but keep them jokes coming!!! :D:D

VJ
25th November 2005, 01:42
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of their bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

VJ
25th November 2005, 01:43
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."

VJ
25th November 2005, 01:45
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."

Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

agallag
25th November 2005, 07:39
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of their bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

There was a canadian comedy group called "Kids in the Hall" who did a sketch something like this. I won't go into all the details, but the punchline was:
You were the sole survivor of a 15 minute delay!!
:D:D