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  • New Jokes Thread

    I thought now that I've reached new heights of Post-Whore-dom, I'd celebrate and start with a New Jokes Thread of hopefully Zokesy proportions

    So here's the first joke (Of zokes' avatar's boobie's proportions )

    Roger and Elaine
    What we have here is a failure to communicate.

    --------
    Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

    He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

    "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

    And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

    And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

    And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

    And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!

    And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

    And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those bastards

    And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

    And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

    And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

    And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

    "Roger," Elaine says aloud.

    "What?" says Roger, startled.

    "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

    "What?" says Roger.

    "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

    "There's no horse?" says Roger.

    "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

    "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

    "It's just that... It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

    (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

    (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

    "What way?" says Roger.

    "That way about time," says Elaine.

    "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

    (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.

    "Thank you," says Roger.

    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

    Whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

    The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

    Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

    AZ
    There's an Opera in my macbook.

  • #2
    One more joke

    > A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his
    > new electric train in the living room.
    > She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want
    > off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you
    > bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going
    > down the tracks."
    >
    > The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
    > language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for
    > TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you
    > to use nice language."
    >
    > Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with
    his
    > train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All the
    > passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
    > your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope
    > your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For
    > those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under
    > your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will
    > have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
    >
    > As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
    > PISSED OFF about the 2 HOURS delay, please see the fat bitch in the
    > kitchen"

    AZ
    There's an Opera in my macbook.

    Comment


    • #3
      LOL!
      Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!

      Comment


      • #4
        A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies. ."I work for Revenue Canada"
        We have enough youth - What we need is a fountain of smart!


        i7-920, 6GB DDR3-1600, HD4870X2, Dell 27" LCD

        Comment


        • #5
          ROFL
          If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.

          Jeremy Clarkson "806 brake horsepower..and that on that limp wrist faerie liquid the Americans call petrol, if you run it on the more explosive jungle juice we have in Europe you'd be getting 850 brake horsepower..."

          Comment


          • #6
            Two cowboys are in a restaurant in New York City.

            Suddenly, the woman at the next table starts to choke on her food. She's gasping for air and turning blue, but nobody moves to help.

            "Reckon we should help, Jim?"

            "Yep. Reckon we should, Bob."

            So the first cowboy stands up, drops his jeans, and bends over. The second cowboy begins to run his tongue up and down the other's crack!

            The woman, although choking, is so revolted that she begins to gag, and hurls up the food she was choking on onto the table in front of her.

            The two cowboys stand up, and one turns to the other and says "See? I told you - that there hind-lick maneuver works every time!"

            - Gurm
            The Internet - where men are men, women are men, and teenage girls are FBI agents!

            I'm the least you could do
            If only life were as easy as you
            I'm the least you could do, oh yeah
            If only life were as easy as you
            I would still get screwed

            Comment


            • #7


              Fantastic!

              (az's joke that is, Gurm, your joke is a bit out there for my taste.)
              P.S. You've been Spanked!

              Comment


              • #8
                All great!!


                ~~DukeP~~

                Comment


                • #9
                  Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

                  But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients ... and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."









                  But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian..."

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg a middle-aged, white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said " You've sat me next to a kaffir. "I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
                    The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
                    A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class." Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues ... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person." With that, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said:
                    "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have 1st class seat ready for you..." At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walked up to the front of the plane.

                    AZ
                    There's an Opera in my macbook.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      This guy walks into the bank, goes up to the counter, pull out a gun and says to the teller, 'Give me all your money or you're Geography.'

                      Surprised teller says, 'Surely you mean History?'

                      The robber replies, 'Don't change the subject.'

                      AZ
                      There's an Opera in my macbook.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I'm on a spree

                        A jew died and got to heaven. Because he was a very pious man the lord himself greets him.
                        L: "You look sad - what's wrong? Not enough time to order your things?"
                        J: "No, that's all right, but my son..."
                        L: "What's with your son?"
                        J: "He became a christian!"
                        L: "Awww, that's bad. Happened to me too..."
                        J: "And what did you do about it?"
                        L: "New testament."

                        AZ
                        There's an Opera in my macbook.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.

                          He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. 'Could I please sit in that seat?' he asked. The lady was insulted. 'You bloody Americans are so rude', she said, 'can't you see my dog is sitting there'?

                          He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. 'Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down', he said. The lady replied, 'You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant'.

                          He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, 'Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?' The lady replied, 'You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.'

                          With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. 'Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

                          AZ
                          There's an Opera in my macbook.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            NOT FOR KIDS!

                            A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The
                            bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one
                            fast gulp.
                            "Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
                            "I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to
                            the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
                            The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's
                            on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender
                            asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
                            The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we
                            were through. 'Pack your bags and get out!' I told her."
                            "What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
                            "I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!!'"

                            AZ
                            There's an Opera in my macbook.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother
                              do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices
                              that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking
                              out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and
                              inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

                              Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something
                              wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs
                              turn white."

                              The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
                              said "You must have really pissed Grandma off then."

                              AZ
                              There's an Opera in my macbook.

                              Comment

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