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ALBPM
19th June 2003, 10:53
Subject: Oil Change



*Oil Change instructions for Women:





1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last oil change.



2) Drink a cup of coffee.



3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 / Coffee $1.00 / Total
$21.00



****************************************



Oil Change instructions for Men:



1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.



2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.



3) Open a beer and drink it.



4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.



5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.



7) Place drain pan under engine.



8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



9) Give up and use crescent wrench.



10) Unscrew drain plug.



11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.



12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.



14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.



15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.



16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.



17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.



18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.



19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.




20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.



21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.



22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.



23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



24) Remember drain plug from step 11.



25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.



26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.



27) Drink beer.



28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.



29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.



30) Drink beer.



31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.



32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.



33) Begin cussing fit.



34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.



35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002).



36) More beer.



37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.



39) Beer.



40) Beer



41) Beer.



42) Lower car from jack stands.



43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.



44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.



45) Beer.



46) Test drive car.



47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.



48) Car gets impounded.



49) Call loving girlfriend, make bail.



50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:



Parts $50 / DUI $2500 /Impound fee $75/ Bail $1500 / Beer $40 / Total--
$4165.00

But you know the job was done right.*


__________________:D :D

GuchiGuh
19th June 2003, 10:58
38) Beer.



39) Beer.



40) Beer



41) Beer.


:D:D:D:D

cjolley
19th June 2003, 11:04
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

Obviously this was written by a woman.
All real men know that you can use whatever leather belt you have on at this moment as a Universal Oil Filter Wrench.

chuck

KeiFront
19th June 2003, 11:06
More beer. :D

Tjalfe
19th June 2003, 11:13
since you have to drive the oil to the recycling depot anyways, I find it just as convenient to have some mechanic do it for me... that way I can go home and drink beer, without having to worry about changing the oil :D

LvR
19th June 2003, 12:11
Hey come now guys, we all know that women simply cannot change oil on a car for 2 very simple reasons:

Gurm
19th June 2003, 12:14
Let's see...

-------------------

Oil Change for BMW 325is:

1. Drive car onto Rhino Ramps (tm)

2. Put oil pan under car, remove plug, let oil drain.

3. Open new oil filter.

4. Open oil filter compartment, take out old filter, insert new filter.

5. Seal oil filter compartment and oil pan.

6. Fill car with oil.

Total Cost:

7 Quarts of Mobil 1 at $5/quart = $35.
BMW Oil Filter: $5
Total: $40, and 15 minutes of my time.

------------------------------

Change BMW oil at Jiffy Lube:

1. Drive up to Jiffy Lube. Behold gleam in their eyes when they see the 325.

2. Ask for oil change. Specify synthetic.

3. They begin oil change. You go get a cup of coffee.

4. You get back, they haven't done the oil change yet. "Are you sure you want synthetic? There's a surcharge!" Yes, I'm sure.

5. Wait. Still not done. "You know it'll be extra for this car, right? Our signature service only covers 5 quarts of oil. It's $10 a quart for synthetic..." Yes, I know.

6. Wait. Still not done. "This filter is extra, you know that right?" Yes, I am aware.

7. Go get more coffee. Come back.

8. Decline optional "let's rape the BMW owner" services.

9. Write check. Get laughed at for not having coupons.

Total cost:

Signature Oil Change: $20
Synthetic Surcharge: $20
BMW Filter Surcharge: $10
Extra Oil @ $10/quart: $20
Total: $70, and a half hour of my life. Maybe longer.

----------------------

I'll do my own ****ing oil changes, thanks.

- Gurm

P.S. The Volvo only costs $60 because it only uses 6 quarts. Oh well.

P.P.S. This wasn't funny. Women can't ****ing maintain cars to save their lives. Julie has NO idea when the oil needs changing, when we need new tires, or even when the tires are low. And she's SMART about cars compared to most women. Sorry.

Gurm
19th June 2003, 12:15
Oh, and if your oil filter is on so tight that you need a wrench to get it off, you:

A. Overtightened it. Finger tight + a quarter turn ONLY, newbies.

B. Haven't changed the oil anywhere NEAR recently enough.

- Gurm

Admiral
19th June 2003, 12:15
Originally posted by LvR
Hey come now guys, we all know that women simply cannot change oil on a car for 2 very simple reasons:
You call those reasons simple ? :rolleyes: :D

LvR
19th June 2003, 12:20
You call those reasons simple Well - with reasons like that I can only recommend women should stick to servicing vehicles with much better ground clearance - something like my 73 Jeep Gladiator or a Chev K25

The Rock
19th June 2003, 13:32
That woman is my dream wife. Shes under a BMW. :)

Tjalfe
19th June 2003, 13:55
Originally posted by The Rock
That woman is my dream wife. Shes under a BMW. :)
Damn .. you are right.. I never even noticed that there was a car in the picture :D

Gurm
19th June 2003, 14:03
Actually, those... impediments... are just too damn big.

Seriously.

Anything more than a handful is redundant. ;)

- Gurm

cjolley
19th June 2003, 14:21
I think one of the main reasons that Becky married me was this...
One night we were on a date (to play bridge) and my '73 BMW 2002 broke down.
Well, I whipped out the white coveralls and toolbox I kept in the trunk for such occasions and had us running again in under five minutes.
I think it made her feel safe or something.
chuck

cjolley
19th June 2003, 15:44
Me & the Beem practicing in 1978.
http://home.swbell.net/cjolley/beemer_smaller.jpg

KvHagedorn
19th June 2003, 22:41
So I take my car to the local Minute Man oil change.. does that make me a woman? :p Sorry, but I do enough tinkering at my real job and I just don't see this as recreation. Have fun there, Chuck! :D

BTW, are you sure that's really you? That guy looks a lot skinnier than you do in those other photos you've posted. ;)

Dr Mordrid
19th June 2003, 23:18
Anyone who makes that much of a production out of an oil change is nuts. I can do one on the wifes Grand Caravan in about 15 minutes at a cost of about $12.

Dr. Mordrid

tr4veler
19th June 2003, 23:34
Nice '02, I realy need to get mine fixed... but the 5 speed in the 325 make's the 3spd auto in the '02 feel week.

Fat Tone
20th June 2003, 00:53
Since I don't have a pit, changing the oil on my Mondeo involves jacking it up, taking the front off-side wheel off, removing the wheel-arch liners and then groping for the filter. The rest is easy, but I can sure see the attraction of spending a few extra quid when I'm passing somewhere and saving some valuable time.

All of the old Vauxhalls I've had were dead easy - just lean over the front, grab hold & twist. Shame the engines were pants.

T.

GNEP
20th June 2003, 04:37
Talking of Jiffy Lube, muggins 'ere is just trying to get the people over there to get their 10 year business plans in order... :) Maybe I should give them your feedback :D.

Gurm
20th June 2003, 04:44
I'd do Jiffy Lube for the Volvo, if the synthetic oil weren't such a ripoff, since I have to take the splash pan off to get at the filter...

But I'm sorry - I can't justify spending $60-$70 on an OIL CHANGE.

- Gurm

Brian Ellis
20th June 2003, 04:49
How about the early E-type Jaguars? You had to drop the engine to change the oil filter :(

cjolley
20th June 2003, 06:00
Originally posted by KvHagedorn
...BTW, are you sure that's really you? That guy looks a lot skinnier than you do in those other photos you've posted. ;)

Laugh it up kid. Your turn will come :p
chuck

KvHagedorn
20th June 2003, 08:05
Dude, it's been here for awhile! :D