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  • Joke

    OK, I am bored. Found this midly amusing.



    Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."

    Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

    Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

    Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

    Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

    Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to drive."

    George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of
    getting married."

    George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

    Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

    Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a
    condemned building."
    "I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

  • #2
    ROFL
    --Insert something here--

    Comment


    • #3
      We have enough youth - What we need is a fountain of smart!


      i7-920, 6GB DDR3-1600, HD4870X2, Dell 27" LCD

      Comment


      • #4
        Myrtle and Daisy were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Myrtle pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
        Daisy: What's that?
        Myrtle: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
        Daisy: Where did you get it?
        Myrtle: You can get them at any drugstore.
        The next day Daisy hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
        Daisy replied, "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
        The pharmacist fainted.
        Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!

        Comment


        • #5
          Hahaha!

          Byock, got any more Rodney Dangerfield jokes?
          Titanium is the new bling!
          (you heard from me first!)

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          • #6
            Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha
            If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.

            Jeremy Clarkson "806 brake horsepower..and that on that limp wrist faerie liquid the Americans call petrol, if you run it on the more explosive jungle juice we have in Europe you'd be getting 850 brake horsepower..."

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            • #7
              Uh, The closest I could come was this....



              Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

              >Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

              I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

              I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.

              I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

              I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

              There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s**thead's.

              I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

              I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

              Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

              How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

              Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

              Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

              Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
              words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
              "I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

              Comment


              • #8
                Those are awesome Byock, thanks!
                Titanium is the new bling!
                (you heard from me first!)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hehe, I like the camel joke. :-)

                  Good stuff all around tho.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    hehe
                    I'm a genie in a bottle BABY, gotta rub ME the right way!!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Hahahahaha. Love those! Your one funny chicken.
                      Bart

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Byock


                        Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
                        ROFL
                        If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.

                        Jeremy Clarkson "806 brake horsepower..and that on that limp wrist faerie liquid the Americans call petrol, if you run it on the more explosive jungle juice we have in Europe you'd be getting 850 brake horsepower..."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          No sense in letting this post die off.

                          A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:

                          A Woman;
                          A Donkey;
                          A Shovel;
                          A Fish;
                          A Star of David.

                          After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

                          The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

                          A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that broad."

                          Here's another one, quite long, but it cracked me up...

                          This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone! Don¡¯t take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don¡¯t know!

                          Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Bobby Carpenter and could I please speak to Melissa Lewis?"

                          Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn¡¯t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Melissa¡¯s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You¡¯re a
                          jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.

                          Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I¡¯d call him up. He¡¯d answer, and I¡¯d yell, "You¡¯re a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

                          Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."
                          I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I¡¯m just calling to see if you¡¯re familiar with our caller ID program?"
                          He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

                          I quickly called him back and said, "That¡¯s because you¡¯re a jackass!"

                          The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there¡¯s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 402-8863.

                          Continued...

                          An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn¡¯t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she¡¯s finally leaving.

                          All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can¡¯t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

                          The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn¡¯t even hear me. I thought to myself, This guy¡¯s a jackass.
                          There are sure a lot of jackasses in the world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

                          A couple of days later, I¡¯m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 402-8863 and yelling, "You¡¯re jackass!" (It¡¯s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I better call this guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

                          "Yes, it is."

                          "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

                          "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It¡¯s a yellow house and the car¡¯s parked right out front."

                          I said, "What¡¯s your name?"

                          "My name is Don Hansen."

                          "When¡¯s a good time to catch you, Don?"

                          "I¡¯m home in the evenings."

                          "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

                          "Yes."

                          "Don, you¡¯re a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

                          After I hung up, I added Don Hansen¡¯s number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn¡¯t as enjoyable as it used to be.

                          I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

                          I yelled "You¡¯re a jackass!", but I didn¡¯t hang up.

                          The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

                          I said, "Yeah."

                          He said, "Stop calling me."

                          I said, "No."

                          He said, "What¡¯s your name, pal?"

                          I said, "Don Hansen."

                          He said "Where do you live?"

                          "1802 West 34th Street. It¡¯s a yellow house and my black Camaro¡¯s parked out front."

                          "I¡¯m coming over right now, Don. You¡¯d better start saying your prayers."

                          "Yeah, like I¡¯m really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

                          Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

                          I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

                          He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

                          "You¡¯ll what?"

                          "I¡¯ll kick your butt."

                          "Well, here¡¯s your chance. I¡¯m coming right over, Jackass!" And I hung up.

                          Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

                          Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

                          Glorious! Watching two jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
                          McRhea

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                          • #14
                            I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.



                            Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
                            A Smith & Wesson beats Four Aces

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                            • #15
                              Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
                              words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
                              hehehehehe
                              Life is a bed of roses. Everyone else sees the roses, you are the one being gored by the thorns.

                              AMD PhenomII555@B55(Quadcore-3.2GHz) Gigabyte GA-890FXA-UD5 Kingston 1x2GB Generic 8400GS512MB WD1.5TB LGMulti-Drive Dell2407WFP
                              ***Matrox G400DH 32MB still chugging along happily in my other pc***

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