View Full Version : Funny quotes from the archive

31st October 2002, 16:09
I have dredged up some stuff that I previously wrote

"I bought your crappy ram, it fried at 140mhz, it should at least cut 160Mhz, and I want my money back!
Said the customer who bought our cheapest, oldest PC100 32MB stick!

"I want a cheap graphics card, my old one blew last night, do you got one that can handle 105MHz agp?"
"No but I have an cheap ATI"
"great, Iíll take it!"

VIA = Ve are Intentionally Annoying.

ATI = Always Trash Immediately

INTEL = INsTability is EverLasting.

News Bulletin:

Rambus HQ has been flatted out by an enormous amount of Intel 820/840 Mainboards and RDRAM Rimms.

Intel spokesman says:

We (Intel) needed to drop that product line and that was the perfect spot.

We have not been able to reach Rambus for an interview.

A customer who reinstalls his OS every week and don't know how to install drivers for his computer and always ends up with him bringing it down to us where I walk him trough it.
Needles to say it but he forgets how to do it despite that he has done it regularly every week for the past 6 months! And it's starting to drive me crazy because he hasnít taken a shower since then.

Another one thinks he can just drive down to us, collect me and drive me home to him where i shall fix his problem while avoiding being eaten alive by his three German Shepardís.
The Dogs was pacified with the promise that I would neuter them if they ever bite me again.
And I still want to show his NIC cards up his as.
The only problem with that is that I would have to pull his head out from there first!

Compaq: A perfect example on how a computer should not be implemented.

Every time a Compaq crosses my path I know that the rest of the day can't possibly become worse.

I divide Compaq's in X different classes:

The compact boxes:

Here the designers from Compaq have used every dirty trick in the book to squeeze the normal amounts of components in a box that's the size of a normal shoebox.

The Balloon boxes:

These boxes dwarves the most computer cases.
In this box the components are not crammed but more than one hdd, one fdd and a cd-rom is everything that fits.
Lots of space but nowhere to attach anything, so while they spacious you can't benefit from the monstrous size of the case and ad more hardware.

The HOT boxes:

These are not specifically a type of box; they are more of an internal condition.
Almost no airflow.
Big but ineffective passive CPU heat sinks.
Powersuplys that deposit preheated air on above mentioned Heatsinks.
A fan duct system that tries to remove warm air from a CPU in a box with no cold air intakes.
IDE cables wrapped or coiled around above-mentioned Heatsinks.
Often all of these combined to achieve a heat production that an electric heater would envy.

The expandable/upgradeable boxes:

These are not specifically a type of box; they are more of an exaggeration on Compaq's side.
ZIF sockets that has Heatsinks that are glued to the mainboard making CPU upgrades technically possibly but practically impossible.
Mainboards with one memory slot and 1 PCI/ISA slot or non at all.
Lots of Memory slots and PCI/ISA slots but no empty ones.
Mainboards that already has the max amount of memory it can handle, the fastest cpu it can handle and so on at delivery and yet have the stickers proclaiming that it's future proof through memory and cpu upgrades.

The Models Compaq don't want to discuss:

Almost no information besides model number and the fact that there is no listing on components nor any drivers, bios updates, etc etc
It boils down to ripping it apart and checking which chip is used for vga, sound, etc etc.

The Models Compaq Forgot/denied:

These Compaq's doesn't officially exist.
Same procedure as with "The Models Compaq don't want to discuss"

Combine these "features" and you get the computer from hell.

Its pure hell when somebody wants one of the "supercomputers" cured from their instability problems, hardware incompatibilities, missing drivers or broken hardware/software.

The only Compaq I had genuine use was one of the hotboxes that converted 16 degrees C air to 50 degrees C air, it came in handy when the heater at work failed last year.
After vacuum cleaning, replacement of heatsinks, reorganising of various cables the out going air was less than 1 1/5 times as hot as the incoming air.

On Monday I have to troubleshoot a model I haven't seen yet that don't want to start after lightning stuck.
Oh, joy...

31st October 2002, 16:13
Me thinks it's time for the murc master quotes to be updated.