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  • Another Joke Thread

    A young boy comes home and asks his father to explain the difference between
    "theoretically" and "realistically."
    The father says "Well, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
    Redford for 1 million dollars."

    The boy asks, and his mother says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would
    do it."

    The boy, still confused, asks his father again. The father tells him, "Now
    go ask your older sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million
    dollars."

    The boy asks and his sister says, "Of course I would!"

    The boy comes back to his father and says "I think I understand."

    So the father asks him to explain it. The boy says "Well... theoretically,
    we're sitting on 2 million dollars, realistically, we're living with a
    couple of whores."

    **********************

    A guy wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla they ask, Is it male or a female? Male he replies. Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there, he states. An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions."I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls out of the tree.When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him". The man asks "what do I do with the shotgun"? The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua.



    A Smith & Wesson beats Four Aces


  • #2
    lol the first one is great
    Dell Inspiron 8200
    Pentium4m 1.6
    640mb pc2100
    64mb gf440go
    15" uxga ultrasharp
    40gb 5400rpm hdd 16mb cache

    Comment


    • #3
      Heaven was getting a bit full one day, and so a new policy was instituted, you had to have a really bad day when you died to get in.

      One man came up and St. Peter says: Hello, how was your day? The man replies: Well I had suspected that my wife was cheating on me and so I came home from work early one day to my 22nd story apartment. I found my wife naked in the bedroom. So I searched the house for a man, and I found him, he was on my balcony... hanging on by his fingers. So I kicked him off, but he landed on a bush and wasn't severely injured. I frantically looked for something to throw at him, I couldn't find much, so I pushed out the fridge onto him and he died. But the man was quite sweaty and I slipped and fell, so... that's how I died. St. Peter: Oooh, sounds pretty bad, go on in.

      Another man comes and St. Peter asks him how his day was. The man replies: So, I was working out on the balcony of my 23rd floor apartment, but while I was doing pushups I fell, but I landed on the balcony below. But then some crazy guy comes out and stomps my fingers and I fell. Luckily I landed on a bush and I wasn't too badly hurt I guess, but I couldn't move much. Then this psycho throws a damn fridge at me and I died. St. Peter: Go on in.

      President Clinton walks in and St. Peter again asks the question. Clinton: Picture this, I'm naked inside a refridgerator...

      Comment


      • #4
        A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."


        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."


        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

        "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

        Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."


        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

        So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

        The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

        In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET


        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."


        According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless...

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        • #5
          MOODS OF A WOMAN


          An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
          A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
          She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
          But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
          Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
          She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
          She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
          She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
          At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
          She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


          MOODS OF A MAN


          Horny.
          #1 DRILL SERGEANT PICK-UP LINE

          "You make me hornier before 9 AM than most
          people do all day!"

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