My Christmas! or why Scissors, Cats and crasy sisters dont mix!

[Technoid]

I started my vacation with at my parents’ house the 20’Th and looked forward to a nice time, lots of good food, and to meet the family again.
Everything was fine until my sister arrived at friday…
She instantly complained that nobody had tortured the family angora cat by bathing him or caring for his fur.
That thing weight’s 13 pounds and usually occupying its time with stalking the neighborhoods dogs!
It doesn’t want to be bathed and neither do we want to bath it, our life insurances doesn’t cover that…
So I told her (my sister) that I rather strangle it (the cat), and she answered with telling me “Fine I’ll do it myself”!
So the next day (Saturday) she locked herself and the cat into on of our bathrooms….
Hey! Wait you said something about Scissors?
Yep!
Instead of giving the little monster a bath she instead decided to cut away a decent amount of fur from the bastard.
Then she locked herself (alone) into our other bathroom.
Guess who couldn’t hold out and had to visit the infested Bathroom?
I!
And after that less than two minute visit it was a downhill experience as my allergies became worse by the minute, the fur continued to spread through the house.
Sunday my dad vacuum cleaned the whole house! (Even he had grown tired of having with fur over everything)
Halfway through Christmas Eve I had almost given up (I had even given up thinking of new ways to do away with the cat…).
But yesterday my sister packed up and went home (she also brought her Guinea Pigs, that also serve to repel me).
And as long as no one cuts the d*** cats fur from it , It don’t bother me. (Well if it (the cat) would try to jump up on my lap I would be bothered.)
Today I am also have packed and exited my parents house.
The cat Is eight years old so probably the problem will go away with time…

[Helevitia]

How to Give a Pill to a Cat and a Dog

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door
onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Get a screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Drink beer. Open bottle of Scotch. Pour shot and drink.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect and get spouse
to drive you to the Emergency Room as you consume more scotch.

12. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table, and arrange for SPCA to collect
Mutant-Cat-From-Hell.

13. Ring local pet shop and inquire about hamsters.

DOGS:

1) Wrap pill in hamburger.

[Greebe]

Bwahahahahahahaaa!!!

[Technoid]

Can't stop laughing!

[The PIT]

All I know is when ever we tried to take our cat to the vet it instantly recovered.

Meeeoooooooow.

[Liquid Snake]

ROFL!!

[Kaj]

Great story, Technoid!
And I LMAO on the guide from Helevitia.

[KvHagedorn]

As I was reading all that I kept thinking "why not do what we do and crush it up and put it in tuna?" Then I read the dog one..

The only thing that ever made my cat crazy was the vacuum cleaner. Trust me, never trap a 21 pound male cat who is all big-boned muscle in a room with a running vacuum.. especially before getting him declawed (though he can bite pretty hard too.)

[agallag]

That's a very funny and mostly true story, but doesn't apply at all to my current cat. When you want him to take his weekly pill (hormones for a skin problem), you just have to shake the bottle and he comes running. He thinks it's a treat. Gobbles it right down.

For my last cat however, that story seems a little tame. I still have the scars to prove it

[KvHagedorn]

Cats and dogs are like people.. all different personalities. I gotta say my cat is a pretty good little guy. When he bit my thumb there it was my fault.. I thought I could cure him of his vacuum fear by holding him. Okay, I was younger and dumber then. I swear he felt bad about it after he bit me though. That musta been more than 12 years ago.. he's 15 now, and still in pretty good shape.

[The PIT]

I can remember my Ex deciding to make me a nice breakfast. I told her don't forget to feed the cats first. Of course she didn't listen and the cats completly destroyed her breakfast plans.

It's good job I can cook when I want too.

[Helevitia]

The Twelve Cats of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree,
My 12 cats were laughing at me

On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands

And my 12 cats still laughing at me...

[Jorden]

Originally posted by KvHagedorn
The only thing that ever made my cat crazy was the vacuum cleaner. Trust me, never trap a 21 pound male cat who is all big-boned muscle in a room with a running vacuum.. especially before getting him declawed (though he can bite pretty hard too.)

Doesn't need a tom-cat for that, KvH. Although our female cat is declawed, she can still say to the vaccuumcleaner "go away"
Usually she runs away when I come into any room with the vaccuumcleaner, but one day she was sleeping in the bedroom: she tried to get past that humming and sucking thing, while I brought some large pieces of stuff out to the garbage bag.

We heard a really sorry feeling "Meeeaaaaooowwww" over the noise of the V-cleaner... was the cat, "trapped" in the bedroom by that humming noisy thing... and she got out eventually with a very big tail, hissing, and looking at us (we were laughing our hearts out) very badly !!

We got "the look"

I'll be "guinea pig" for the next time we can trap her in the bedroom with that red piece of blowthing, but then with the door closed

Btw, Selina is about 9, so can we still teach her something?

Jord.