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Windows 2000 Slack Jawed Redneck Edition.

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  • Windows 2000 Slack Jawed Redneck Edition.



    http://www.tweak3d.net/comments.cgi?view=3794
    According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless...

  • #2
    LOL... gotta love those redneck jokes...

    Redneck Dictionary
    --------------------------------------------
    HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
    HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
    Usage: Heidi, hire yew?
    BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
    Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
    MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
    Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts."
    THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
    Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
    BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
    Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
    RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
    Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
    ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
    Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
    FAR - noun. A conflagration.
    Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
    TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
    Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
    TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
    Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
    RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
    Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
    FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat.
    2. to engage in battle or combat.
    Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
    RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
    Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
    FARN - adjective. Not local.
    Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....
    mus' be from some farn country."
    DID - adjective. Not alive.
    Usage: "He's did, Jim."
    EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
    Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
    BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
    Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
    JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
    Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
    HAZE - a contraction.
    Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert.
    He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
    SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
    VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
    Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"
    GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
    Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
    ---------------------------------------------

    Redneck Medical Terms
    ---------------------------------------------
    Benign - What you be after you be eight
    Artery - The study of paintings
    Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
    Barium - What doctors do when patients die
    Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
    Catscan - Searching for kitty
    Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
    Colic - A sheep dog
    Coma - A punctuation mark
    Enema - Not a friend
    Fester - Quicker than someone else
    Fibula - A small lie
    Genitalnon - Jewish person
    Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
    Impotent - Distinguished, well known
    Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
    Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
    Morbid - A higher offer than I bid
    Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
    Outpatient - A person who has fainted
    Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
    Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
    Post Operative - A letter carrier
    Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
    Rectum - Damn near killed him
    Secretion - Hiding something
    Seizure - Roman emperor
    Tablet - A small table
    Terminal illness - Getting sick at the airport
    Tumor - More than one
    Urine - Opposite of you're out
    Varicose - Near by/close by
    ---------------------------------------------

    Redneck Computer Terms
    ---------------------------------------------
    Backup - What ya do when ya run 'cross a skunk in da woods

    Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at Joe's bar

    Bug - The reason ya give for calling in sick

    Byte - What yur pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

    Cache - Needed when yur out a food stamps

    Chip - Pasture muffins that ya try not to step in

    Terminal - Time to call the undertaker

    Crash - When ya go to Junior's party without an invite

    Digital - The art of counting on yur fingers

    Diskette - Female Disco dancer

    Fax - What ya lie about to the IRS

    Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

    Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

    Keyboard - Where ya hang the keys to the John Deere

    Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

    Megahertz - How yur head feels after 17 beers

    Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

    Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live

    Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

    Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

    ROM - Where the pope lives

    Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

    Serial Port - A red wine ya drink with breakfast

    Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year

    SCSI - What ya call week-old underwear
    If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

    Comment


    • #3
      ROFLMAO!!!!
      MSI K7D Master L, Water Cooled, All SCSI
      Modded XP2000's @ 1800 (12.5 x 144 FSB)
      512MB regular Crucial PC2100
      Matrox P
      X15 36-LP Cheetahs In RAID 0
      LianLiPC70

      Comment


      • #4
        HEY All Y'all, Here's some mo.

        YOU MIGHT BE A HIGH-TECH REDNECK IF...

        1. Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."

        2. You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

        3. If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."

        4. Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

        5. You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

        6. Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

        >7. You wire your network with jumper cables.

        8. Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.

        9. You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

        10. You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

        11. Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver

        12. You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all."

        13. Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."

        14. Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs,printers, modems and monitors.

        15. Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive.

        16. You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.

        17. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

        18. Smith & Wesson...the original point N click interface.

        19. When you're friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yea,thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."

        20. When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.

        21. When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.

        22. Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

        23. You only buy from Gateway, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.

        That's it fer now
        "Never interfere with the enemy when he is in the process of destroying himself"

        Comment


        • #5
          I fergot these..They might be impotent

          Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks


          General


          Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
          If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral


          Dining Out

          When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

          Entertaining in your home

          A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.


          Personal Hygiene

          While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant
          is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


          Dating (outside the family)

          Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
          Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

          Theater Etiquette

          Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

          Weddings

          Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


          Driving Etiquette

          Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling
          in a funeral procession.

          "Never interfere with the enemy when he is in the process of destroying himself"

          Comment


          • #6
            Hey guys,

            Here's one you missed..

            You might be a Red Neck when your Family tree is a straight line

            Comment

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