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If Programming Languages Were Shooting Yourself In The Foot

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  • If Programming Languages Were Shooting Yourself In The Foot

    I got a chuckle out of this, thought some of you may enjoy it too

    If Programming Languages were ... Shooting your self in the foot

    The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're currently using.
    This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.

    TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot

    C
    You shoot yourself in the foot.

    C++
    You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

    FORTRAN
    You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

    Java
    The Java Verifier will not allow you to handle a Gun.

    Pascal
    The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

    Ada
    After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

    COBOL
    Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

    LISP
    You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

    FORTH
    Foot in yourself shoot.

    Prolog
    You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

    BASIC
    Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

    Visual Basic
    You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

    HyperTalk
    Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

    Motif
    You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

    APL
    You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

    SNOBOL
    If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

    Unix
    % ls
    foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
    % rm * .o
    rm:.o no such file or directory
    % ls
    %

    Concurrent Euclid
    You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

    370 JCL
    You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

    Paradox
    Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

    Access
    You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

    Revelation
    You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

    Assembler
    You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

    Modula2
    After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

    COM
    You create an instance of your foot, the gun and a bullet. You realise the bullet is the wrong calbre and wont fit properly in the IChamber, and that your foot is not registered.

    ActiveX
    {AAGUN-06A3-SH00T-8F98-F00TB92EB7}



  • #2
    From my experience, I can say that the part about Java is absolutely correct (unless you somehow get hold of and import java.weapons.* ). Not that I am complaining.
    Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

    Comment


    • #3
      You forgot SQL:
      Code:
      SELECT bp.foot
        FROM me.bodyparts bp
       UNION ALL
      SELECT am.bullet
        FROM gun.parts gp,
             ammo.bullet am
       WHERE gp.name = 'BARREL'
         AND am.size = gp.size
      chuck



      [This message has been edited by cjolley (edited 01 March 2001).]
      Chuck
      秋音的爸爸

      Comment


      • #4
        Wow, even got my language (Ada) in there

        But what about html itself? Suppose it might make a bloody mark-up the walls

        P.
        Meet Jasmine.
        flickr.com/photos/pace3000

        Comment


        • #5
          How about Arc/Info AML (Arc Macro Language)?

          arc: precision double (so bullets know EXACLTLY where to go)
          arc: create gun
          arc: create foot
          arc: arcedit
          arcedit: editcover gun
          arcedit: createfeature bullet
          arcedit: editfeature bullet
          arcedit: add
          arcedit: (hit 1 button 6 times) (for handgun)(more if you really want to make a mess of your foot)
          arcedit: save (just in case)
          arcedit: editfeature bullet
          arcedit: sel box
          arcedit response: '6 bullets (or whatever) selected'
          arcedit: put foot
          arcedit response: 'foot exists. Do you want to append? Y/N'
          arcedit: Y

          Of course I would have to build in error traps: for example, if there were no bullets in gun I couldn't put them in foot .

          [This message has been edited by Laurie (edited 01 March 2001).]
          Laurie
          ======

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