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CHHAS
26th February 2001, 09:11
Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118 lbs, but known to vary 105-175 lbs
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :

a) Surface usually covered with painted film
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :

a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :

a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :

a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :

a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

No opinions are made by releasing the results of this research.


I have no idea where this comes from, but I find it quite amusing, no offence intended to those of the fairer sex http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

Pace
26th February 2001, 14:51
Where did you get this? I saw it on a link off of msn.com (well actually, http://love.msn.com ... and you might see why soon!). I'm looking for a few good (clean) joke sites, and that had a couple.
<hr><h2>What you laugh?</h2>
A guy is pulled over by the police whilst speeding. The officer asks him to breathe into a breathaliser, to which he pulls out a card which reads: "This man is asthmatic, do not take a breath sample"

So, the officer asks him for a blood sample, and again the man shows a card: "This man is hemophobic, do not take blood"

Then, the officer decides on a urine sample, and, once more, the man shows a card: "This man is a Newcastle supporter, do not take the piss" http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/biggrin.gif<hr>
Paul.

spoogenet
26th February 2001, 18:39
I've heard a similar version, however the officer asks the guy why he can't, and his responses are:
...because I have asthma.

...because I'm hemophobic.

...because I'm drunk.

,respectively....

b

Pace
27th February 2001, 07:35
Yea, but I prefer the football theme http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/smile.gif (or sport in general of course, just apply to whatever team you fancy!

And I heard the punchline of: Walk along this line/No, I'm drunk

Anyway...

P.

spoogenet
27th February 2001, 08:55
DOH. Yeah, that was it. He couldn't pee for some odd reason, but he couldn't walk the line cuz he was drunk.

Yeah, jokes really aren't that funny when you don't even remember the correct punch line.

Oh well, I guess I won't quit my day job....

b