View Full Version : Dirty Jokes! ;-)

2nd November 2000, 15:57
Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."


A California man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he put, "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion". On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm ****ing discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."


A bloke has a new sportscar and takes his girlie out for a drive. She says that if he gets up to 200 km/h she'll take all her clothes off. So he puts his foot down and gets to 200 km/h and she takes all her Clothes off! Anyway, this distracts him and he crashes the car. She gets Thrown clear but he's trapped. So he shouts "Get some help" and she says "But I'm naked!" So he chucks her his shoe and tells her to use that to cover herself up. She puts it over her crotch and off she goes to a garage, and says to the guy behind the counter "Help, my boyfriend's stuck!" He looks at the shoe and says "Sorry, he's in too far, there's nothing I can do."


A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates. an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long. indignantly the kid says " oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old" .the old man replies "i'm sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate.oh no sir says the kid,it was by minding his own ****ing business!


One day a vasaline salesman was driving down a long dirt road when he ran out of oil for the engine. He sat of a while when thought that maybe some vasaline would work as oil for a bit to get him to a gas station. It did work, but it only brought him to a farm house, where he stopped. Meanwhile, inside the house, a farmer, his wife and his daughter were argueing over who was gonnan do the dishes. The farmer said, "I provide for this family, so I ain't doin' 'em!" The wife said, "I made supper, so I ain't doing 'em!" And the daughter said, "I always do the dishes, so I ain't doin' 'em!" Finally the agreed that they would lie naked on the floor and the first person to talk does the dishes. Then the vasaline salesman comes to the door to ask if he may use their phone. He knocks a few times, but there is not answer. He tries the knob and the door opens, so he enters. Ignoring the site on the floor, he walks around the house looking for a phone, but can't find one. He asks the family as they lie on the floor, but receives not answer. The decides to do the daughter and wife a few times. While he does this, he hopes that maybe they have some vasaline so he can use it as oil, so he finishes screwing the wife and asks the farmer if he has any vasaline, and then the father gets up and says, "I'm doing the dishes!!!"


A man was showing some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?" "That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you ****ole?!"


Q:Why did God invent alcohol?
A:To prevent the Irish from ruling the world


There was a blond, and a brunet walking through the woods, and they come across some tracks. The blond said "they are deer tracks", but the brunet said "they are bear tracks." The blond said "NO I went hunting with my dad, and I can tell you for sure that they are deer tracks." The brunet said "NO,NO,NO I went hunting with my brother, and I can tell you for sure that those are bear tracks." They kept on fighting, and a few minutes later a train came buy, and hit them. They were train tracks!!

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"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

2nd November 2000, 16:08
Billy's father had a lot of guns around the house and was always
telling Billy things about guns and how to take care of them, etc.
Well, one day Billy was in the tub masturbating, and his mother
walked in just as he was ejaculating. She stormed out, and Billy chased
after her, saying, I wasn't playing with myself! I was just cleaning it
and it went off!

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"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

3rd November 2000, 01:43
A Marine spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked
her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself", she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?"

Looking directly into his eyes she said "Because I like cars, and I like men."

SO she asks "What's your name?"


3rd November 2000, 04:59
A man is sitting at a bar muttering to himself when the person next to him asks what is on his mind. The man replies, "I built 7 houses in this very town, wonderful houses at that, but nobody calls me 'Bob, the housebuilder'." He continues, "Over in the east part town, I dug 15 wells for different families, but nobody calls me 'Bob, the welldigger'. I have even built 25 fences, one of them almost a mile long, yet nobody calls me 'Bob, the fence builder'... but ya f*ck one sheep!"


3rd November 2000, 07:11
Slick Willy (aka President Bill Clinton of the USA) decides there's not much more he can do with his presidency, since he was about to leave office and decides to go on a world tour. He visits South America, Asia, Australia, Europe and 'samples the culture'.

Fianlly he makes it Africa and is visiting the Congo area. He decides to stop by what looks like a very nice, very well kept resturant. He goes inside and is warmly greeted by the host, who speak perfect English. He enjoys a wonderful meal of local cuisine and then starts talking with the host.

"This is a wonderful place you have here. I bet you get a lot of important people here," Slick Willy said.

"Now that you mention it," the host replied, "the former Prime Minister of Russia was here just last week."

"Really," the Slickster replied.

"Yes, he taught us a lovely game called Russian Roulette."

"Russian Roulette?"

"Yes, but once he left, we didn't have any revolvers so we had to change the rules a bit."

"Really, what did you do?"

The host clapped his hands and six beautiful locals came out, butt naked. "We take these six beautiful and let you pick one to give you a blow job."

"That sounds very interesting," adjusts himself, "but why do you compare this to Russian Roulette?"

"One of them is a cannibal."



3rd November 2000, 09:11
Q: What is the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.


A guy was feeling sick, so he went to the doctor. After being diagnosed,
the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but you only have one day to live." The guy
was really upset, so he decided to go home and make passionate and wild
sex to his wife before he left the earth.

When he got home, he found his wife lying on the the bed in the dark,
asleep. The man takes off his clothes and has sex like he hasn't had
sex before.

Afterwards, he has to go to the bathroom. As he steps inside, he sees
his wife in there with a mud pack on her face. The man asks what she was
doing in there, and she shook her her hand to quiet him down. Then she
says, "Shh, you'll wake my mother..."


A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're
talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man
what he got his wife for her birthday.

"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a one carat diamond ring", said
the rich man. The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the world
did you get her both?"

The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring,
she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."

After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her
birthday. The poor man responds, "I got her a pair of slippers and a

Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, "Because if she don't like the slippers, she can go
screw herself."


A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out,
and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she
tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get
the freaking jar open!"


A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange
behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawnmower over
the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish bowl and was
playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were
crazy and moved on.

After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what
he'd just seen. "Oh, those folks ain't crazy," the farmer said,
"They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he
was telling her to go screw herself because he was going fishing."


Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and
spray gas all over the car


Q. Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
A. Because Ken came in another box


A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What
can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the
doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
And he charged them $20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the
doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
Holiday Inn charges $32.00. Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it here
for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from Medicare for a visit to the
doctor's office."


A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to
a Tatoo Shop and makes the request. The Tatoo designer tells him that
it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request.

The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The
designer starts the tatooing and in the middle of the job asks the man,
"Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tatoo. The designer
intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive
the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."

The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with
money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most
important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right
at home."


Dec Rourke rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put
his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dec smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing on under the robe. Poor Dec breaks out into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his
arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she
leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at
him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Dec stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full,
don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and
has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in
heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dec stammers - "Outside when you said
you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"


Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit
down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Ok, now take off my skirt..."

And he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra..."

Which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"


A dating Amish couple Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in
their buggy. It`s mid January and very cold. Elizabeth says to Eli, "My
feet are frozen solid." Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I`ll rub
them and warm them up."

Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, " Eli, what`s that hard
thing in your pants?" Eli answers, "That`s my penis, it`s frozen solid..
Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."

The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother,
"Ma, what do you know about penises?" Her mother retorts, " I don`t
know, what do YOU know about penises?"

Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they

Join the MURC SETI team! (http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu/cgi-bin/cgi?cmd=team_join_form&id=25678) | SETI @ MURC (http://www.setiatmurc.f2s.com/)

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

3rd November 2000, 10:17
It's all good. No hard feelings, I should of put in a smiley face, but I was late for my Calc class, and didn't have time. Heh.

I just wanted to read the rest of the jokes after I got back this weekend... http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/smile.gif

It's all good.

By the way, college sure does make you busy! No it's time for my programming assignment... bleh...

[This message has been edited by McRhea (edited 06 November 2000).]

3rd November 2000, 10:50
McRhea, what's your problem bub?

3rd November 2000, 10:56

He was just (perhaps prematurely) anticipating what he sees as an inevitable overreaction on Joel's part to the content of this thread.

Personally I think it won't come to that, but you never know.

- Gurm

Listen up, you primitive screwheads! See this? This is my BOOMSTICK! Etc. etc.

3rd November 2000, 11:18
Yeh you never know with Joel(at least not yet)! http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif However I hope that if Joel think's that the posts in here are offencive he will post a warning before he deletes anything! Making it possible for us (me) to edit our posts deleting the stuff he sees unfit in this forum!

BTW where is Joel have not heard from him in a while?

Join the MURC SETI team! (http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu/cgi-bin/cgi?cmd=team_join_form&id=25678) | SETI @ MURC (http://www.setiatmurc.f2s.com/)

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

3rd November 2000, 13:29
Joel probably cannot reply because he's laughing too hard. http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/smile.gif

3rd November 2000, 15:10
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode of cramps was just that, so he stayed put.
Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospitalsecurity guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

"I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

3rd November 2000, 17:21
McRhea, Gurm, and Guru,

Don't even think about closing it down.

I wasn't thinking about it but now that y'all mentioned it... http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif But then again if those post that mentioned it were to disappear (hint, hint) along with this one then I might be able to forget the whole thing. http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

Joel http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

BTW I am here and watching. http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 04 November 2000).]

3rd November 2000, 19:15

I was defending you. But if you're hoping for voluntary participation in a campaign of not criticising our duly elected officials, then you have come to the wrong group of people. My post stands - although I might reiterate at this point that it wasn't critical.

- Gurm

Listen up, you primitive screwheads! See this? This is my BOOMSTICK! Etc. etc.

3rd November 2000, 19:41
Personally I think it won't come to that, but you never know.

I know you were trying. Sorry. http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

And FYI I was not 'duly elected', I was duly appointed. http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

So far the only post in here that I have found offensive was McRhea's which I see as a personal attack. Which leads me to wonder, what is his ****ing problem? http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

Joel http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 04 November 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 04 November 2000).]

3rd November 2000, 20:57
McRhea? I dunno. Was he one of the pedophilia-humor disenfranchised? I can't recall. (Sorry to be talking about you in the third person, McRhea...)

- Gurm

Listen up, you primitive screwheads! See this? This is my BOOMSTICK! Etc. etc.

Brian R.
3rd November 2000, 23:34
"pedophilia-humor disenfranchised"

Give me a break. Sounds too politically correct for you Gurm.

4th November 2000, 09:48
Err... no, I wasn't being politically correct. I may have misused "disenfranchised", though.

- Gurm

Brian R.
4th November 2000, 10:30
I haven't a clue http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/smile.gif

4th November 2000, 16:50
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,
she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and
says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant -
about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out
there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came
over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"


A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The
counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds, "My husband
suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well, not exactly. It's she that suffers, not me."


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."


The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been
lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he
was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the
peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and
headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. He took a basket of
peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer
robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do
for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice
peaches for sale."

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she
opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those
peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She
teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer burst out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, and
the weevils ate all my cotton, and now I think you're gonna screw me out of
my peaches."


The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night,
apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night
and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and
says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have
the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're
going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart;
do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris,
you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my
heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never
had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about
active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if
you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a
note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex
with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office.
His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note.
Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of
mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad,
passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's
first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"


A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their
room where, much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running
commentary on their lovemaking.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give
the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning while packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a
large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get
on top and I'll try." There was still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo
or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"


A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of
natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later.

Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the
taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them

Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."


One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local
Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman
dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and
high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found
that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required
height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and
unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she
reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she
looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she
finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a
sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her
leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts
her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are
to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you
unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."


A teacher was standing in front of Sunday School class one day and announced
to the class, "Kids, today we are going talk about heaven. Now tell me,
what part of your body will enter heaven first when you die?"

Sally was first to stick her hand up. "It's your hands!" "And why, Sally?"
said the teacher. "Because you pray with your hands," answered Sally.

Hendrik was next with, "Oh no, it's your knees." "And why?" inquired the
teacher. "Because when you pray, you lean on your knees," replied Hendrik.

John jumped out of his seat and said to the class that he knew the right
answer. "Teacher, it's your legs," he said with excitement. "Your legs?"
the teacher repeated, with a frown on her forehead.

John replied, with a seriousness look on his face, "Yes Teacher, because
when I walked into my mom's room last night, my mom had her legs in the air
and shouted, 'Oh God, I'm coming'!"


A nun entered a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him
why he was staring, and he answers "I want to ask you a question but I
don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. Not as old as I am and as long as I
have been a nun. I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, let's see what we can work out. You have to be single
and have to be Catholic."

The cab driver replied, "Oh, I'm single and I am Catholic!" She said,
"OK, pull into that alley," and he did. She did her thing and back on
the street again, the cab driver started crying and she said, "My child,
what's the matter?"

He said, "Sister, I have sinned, I lied, I lied. I'm married and I'm

She said, "That's okay. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Costume


There was two newly weds walking along the beach, the man saw a can, so
he kicked it by a tree.

Then a man appeared by it and said, "I am the genie of the can, and for
freeing me, I will grant you 3 wishes. I will only grant you one, your
wife one and finally, I'll keep the last one myself."

So, the newly weds talked it over and agreed to accept the offer.

The man wished for one million dollars a year for the rest of his life,
and it was granted. His wife wished for a house and car on each
continent, and it was granted. The genie wished that he could spend a
night with the woman, so the newly weds talked it over and decided to go
for it.

That night the genie and the woman slept together.

When they woke up the genie said, "How old is your husband?" She said,
"22" and the genie said, "And he still believes in genies?"

(got to try this one) http://forums.murc.ws/ubb/wink.gif

A man rushes in to his local doctor, and says "Doctor, Doctor, you've got
to help me!" "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor replies. "Well,"
said the rather distraught man, "the other day, I came home from work, and
I walked into the bedroom, and there she was - my wife, lying in bed with
another man! I just went mad - insane, even! I dived into the cupboard,
pulled out my shotgun and pointed it at my wife. I was about to pull the
trigger, when the other man said to me, 'Listen! Don't do it! If you shoot
her, you'll go to jail for the rest of your life, and you won't get to see
your wife at all, ever. Why don't you put the gun down, we'll make some
coffee, and we'll just talk this whole thing over?' So, we made some coffee
and talked it over."

"I see." said the doctor. "So, what's the problem?" "Well," said the man,
"the next day I came home from work, only to find her in bed with the same
man! I went mad with rage, dived into the cupboard for the shotgun again,
and pointed it at him. Just before I pulled the trigger, the guy says,
'Listen! This is crazy! If you shoot me, you'll get locked in the clink
for the rest of your life, and you wife will be free to do this anytime she
want with any man she pleases. There must be another solution. Tell you
what - put the gun down, we'll make some coffee and we'll talk it over.' So,
we talked it over."

"Aha." said the doctor, unsure where all this was leading. "So, what
exactly is the problem?"

"Well, the night after that, I came home and found her in bed with the same
guy again! I was livid and flooded with despair. This time, I reached into
the cupboard, pulled out the shotgun and put both ends on the barrel into
my mouth. Just before I pulled the trigger, this guy comes back with,
'Listen. Don't do it! Don't pull the trigger! If you kill yourself, where
will you be then? You'll be dead, and your wife and I can go on doing this
whenever we please, not just when you're at work! Why don't we sit down
with some coffee and we'll talk it over.' So, we made the coffee and talked
it all over again!"

"Okay!" said the doctor. "I get the message. But if this other guy is so
understanding and you've all 'talked it over' so many times, what is the
bloody problem?"

"Well," said the man, "I was wondering, is all this coffee bad for my


A guy drives over to his grandparent's house. Upon his arrival, he notices
his grandfather sitting on the front porch chair without any pants on.

He runs up the walkway and says to his grandfather, "Gramps, what in the
world are you doing sitting out front with no pants on?"

His grandfather replies, "I sat out here last night without a shirt on, and
woke up this morning with a stiff neck, so this was your grandmother's


A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a checkup. The doctor
finishes the checkup says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any

"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and
I need it lowered."

This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84-years-old, and you're
in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who
would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?"

"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and
when I go for a walk, I see all these cute women all around, so that's
why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."

Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you
wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."

"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered
from here," pointing to his head, "to here!" pointing between his legs.


A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have five

The doctor says "Good lord, man! How do your pants fit?!"

The man says, "Like a glove."


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an
exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so
striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young
woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman
said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me
to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet
from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed
into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my


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"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

5th November 2000, 13:17
A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen behind
on her bills.

"All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next installment
on that couch?"

The lady shrugged. "I guess that's better than having to give you money."


A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump
off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms
dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, "Life isn't so
bad after all," and climbed down from the railing.

He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little man for saving his

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself,
but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my

"I am not dancing, you dickhead," the armless man replied bitterly. "My
****ole itches, and I can't scratch it."


The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick
with aspirin."


While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that
he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country
store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite
obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can - until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain
wild and crazy!"


A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"

Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?"

"Yes, Dear, He did."

"And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl.

Again the answer was, "Yes."

The child shook her head in disbelief and said, "Then you mean to tell me
there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is
so cranky!"


A young boy sidles into an ice cream parlor dressed as a cowboy complete
with a ten gallon hat, fuzzy chaps and toy sixguns.

The girl behind the counter says, "How cute. What'll it be, Tex?"

The young cowboy says, "Gimme a hot fudge sundae."

She says, "You want whipped cream on that?"

He says, "Yep."

She asks, "How about a cherry on top?"

"Yep," he replies.

Then the girl says, "Do you want crushed nuts?"

The little boy draws his toy guns and says, "You want your tits blown off?"


A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy
stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart. She eagerly
did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked
her to spread her legs even farther apart.

She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?"

"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out."


A doctor says to his male patient, "I've got good news and I've got bad
news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."

"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" the patient asks.

"The good news is I think you're cute."


Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have
you been for the last couple of months?"

The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail."

The 1st old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"

He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and
this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and
says, 'He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."

The 1st old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"

2nd old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to


"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get
it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your
clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie
down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."


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"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

6th November 2000, 00:39

Poor kid.. if he wasn't crippled he could run from those perverts.

[This message has been edited by KvHagedorn (edited 06 November 2000).]

6th November 2000, 04:49
Oh behave. What word were they gonna use... Chutzpah?

- Gurm

Listen up, you primitive screwheads! See this? This is my BOOMSTICK! Etc. etc.

10th November 2000, 14:52
There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They
never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However,
one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his
Mother and asked her what they were doing.

His Mother told him. "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a
girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st Birthday, he went out with some friends, who introduced him to
one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been
kissed before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him
but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt."
He replied, "My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very minute!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave
him a hot kiss, square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die." She asked, "Why are you
going to die?" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of
me has begun to get stiff!"


Q: If male working bees are called drones what are female nonreproductive
bees are called?

A: Lesbees


Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he
had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy. So he promptly dropped his pants
to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"


A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini
skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her
thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this,
I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely
absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man
moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"


An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty
tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one
more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in
your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man
and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."


Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma.
went into a bar bragging about who was the worst of the three.

The Oklahoman said, "Watch this!" and yelled at the barmaid, "Hey, barmaid.
Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your buns over here." When the barmaid
got there, the guy from Oklahoma guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his
hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his
fingers. She was startled.

The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey barmaid, bring a beer with a
shot of Tequila and get your butt over here with it." The barmaid brought
it and he drank the beer and Tequila down, laid his hand on the table,
whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers. The barmaid was
terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Oklahoman.

The Texas cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid, "Honey, bring me a whole
bottle of Tequila and hurry." Upon her arrival, he drank the entire
bottle of Tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.

The barmaid screamed, "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?" He
replied, "Heck no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself."


A nightclub owner is in need of a new act. He holds several auditions and
then a man shows up. The owner asks him what he does and the man replies.
"I write all my own music and play it on the piano." The owner tells him
to play something. The music turns out to be incredibly beautiful and the
owner is very impressed.

He says to the man, "That was great. What do you call it?" The man replies,
"I call that 'Grab her by the ears and shove it down her throat'." The
owner is understandably taken aback, but asks the man to play something
else. Again, the music is beautiful and rhapsodic. The owner is incredibly
moved and again asks the man what the piece is called. The man replies, "I
call that one 'Pump her in the ass until her eyeballs pop out'."

The owner thinks that this is pretty weird, but the guy plays beautifully.
He gives him the job, but makes him promise that he will never tell the
customers the names of his pieces. The man agrees.

On opening night, the man is playing to a packed house. The crowd loves
him. During a break, a customer approaches the stage and says to the
musician, "Hey buddy, do you know your fly's open and your dick's hanging
out?" The musician's eyes widen in amazement and he replies. "Know it?
Hell, I wrote it!"


When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped around the house.

"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men a night,
drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength to roll five drunks."

Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears. "Why is it," she sobbed,
"that a girl has to die before anyone says anything nice about her?"


Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie
is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"


Q: Why do hippos have sex under water?
A: It's hard to get 1000 pounds of pussy wet.


A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a
long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out
the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He
tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute
he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need
a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be
over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here
for one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"


A guy walks into a bar and goes right up to a beautiful redhead sitting
alone in the corner. "Hey, wanna screw?" he asks.

"Your place or mine?" she answers coyly.

"Well, if it's going to be a hassle..."


Q: Why do men always pay more for car insurance?

A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're behind the wheel.


Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr.
Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. To his
delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he
went up to her apartment.

As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue,
and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with

"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.

Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do
you happen to have any Oreos?"


Q: Have you heard the one about the woman sheriff?

A: She had a big possy.


Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief
is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they
fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the
chief masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."


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Don't get even get odd!