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  • Joke for today

    WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS
    and WHAT IT REALLY MEANS...

    Advancement opportunity
    -Lousy job

    Entry Level
    -Really a lousy job

    No experience necessary
    -The mother of all lousy jobs

    Administrative assistant
    -Lousy job with a title

    Ground floor opportunity
    -Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

    Progressive company
    - Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

    Team player
    -Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

    Upbeat personalities
    -Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

    Word processing skills essential
    -There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

    Public Relations Receptionist- Professional appearance important
    -$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe

    Pleasant telephone manner
    -Be the voice of 1-900-suck

    Earn up to $300 per hour
    -Be 1-900-suck

    Salary range $24K to $32K
    -The salary is $24K

    Jeans job!
    -Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office

    Will train
    -Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem

    BA required, MA preferred
    -Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

    Civil service
    -This job was filled from the inside six months ago

    Women/minorities encouraged
    -White males need not waste a stamp

    Outstanding benefits package
    -Health insurance

    Tons of variety
    -We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

    Top notch communication skills
    -Telemarketing

    Beautiful offices in attractive locale
    -Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

    Secretary
    -Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

    Executive secretary
    -The most powerful position in any company

    Dedicated
    -You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

    Salary commensurate
    -We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

    Salary negotiable
    -We'll take the lowest bidder

    Competitive salary
    -We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job -- period!

    Competitive starting salary
    -Ten cents above minimum wage

    Pleasant atmosphere
    -A staff of pod people

    Professional atmosphere
    -Zombie pod people

    Fun, creative atmosphere
    -Pod people from hell

    Dynamic atmosphere
    -Zombie pod people from hell

    Gal Friday
    -Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

    Self starter
    -Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means

    -----------------------
    Holly

    [This message has been edited by HollyBerri (edited 23 April 2000).]

  • #2
    <u>WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?</u>

    General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because
    people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did . . .

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

    HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

    CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

    HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

    CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these
    technical terms just to use my car?"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

    HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

    CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

    HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

    CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

    HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more
    gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

    CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep
    buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

    HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

    CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

    HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

    CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

    HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

    CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

    HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

    CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

    CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"


    ---------------------------------------------

    Holly

    [This message has been edited by HollyBerri (edited 23 April 2000).]

    Comment


    • #3
      More Questions from Baba ben Bebo the Wise...

      Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when one cannot drink and drive?

      Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

      Why is not 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?

      Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

      Why ARE there interstate highways in Hawaii?

      Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

      Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

      Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

      Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? (Speaking hypothetically, of course!)

      If 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

      If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

      If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how does TEFLON stick to the pan?

      ---I admit, I wonder about this myself...---

      If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

      ---A little confusing, especially if some of you don't have the same proverbs (or eating habits ). If you drop buttered toast, the saying goes that it will always land with the buttered side down :P. But a cat, on the other hand, always lands on its feet.

      So if the buttered toast (butter side up) is on the back of a cat....---


      If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

      You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

      Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

      You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

      Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

      <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<> <>~<>

      Holly

      Comment


      • #4




        [This message has been edited by Jorden (edited 23 April 2000).]
        Jordâ„¢

        Comment


        • #5
          PIII-500mhz @ 620 ! with an Abit BE6 mobo
          128mb pc-100 cas 2
          Mill G400 (vanilla!!!) 32mb @ 167/208 with MGATweak-417mhz, (2.5, 2, 2.5), PD 5.5010 & bios 1.5-22
          Maxtor 14.3 gb Uata66 hdd
          SB Live!
          Winblows 98se & DX7
          and 384k DSL!

          Comment


          • #6
            Ok, seems to me that Baba ben Bebo the Wise has taken a lot of jokes from George Carlin (or am I showing my age here and they really are one and the same?). Uhhh, the park in a driveway one and the cat floating above the ground too.... Anyway, anyone hear Denis Leary talk about beer and coffee? That's some funny sh*t!!!

            Can you imagine people calling the GM tech service saying, "Umm, I just bought this new car from you. I want to cool it down some, can I use a peltier and some liquid N?" hehe

            Hey Jord and Durango, Great Pics!!! ROTFLMAO!

            Dimitri
            "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: His eyes are closed"
            --- Albert Einstein


            "Drag racing is for people that don't know how to brake and downshift at the same time."

            Comment

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