OT: Joke time

[GinoCyber]

Yo Momma is SOOOO Fat..

... When she dances she makes the band skip.

....when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 13 years to live.

....her ass has its own congressman.

....her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

....when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.

....her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

....her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

....the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

....they had to grease a door frame
and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get
her through.

....she has to iron her pants on the
driveway.

....when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes
crashing through the wall.

....she could sell shade.

....people jog around her for exercise.

....she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

....when she turns around, people
throw her a welcome back party.

....her belly button doesn't have
lint, it has sweaters.

....she was walking down the street,
I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.

Ciao

[Kruzin]

Close enough for government work

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.

And now, the twist to the story...
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds.

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's ass!

[Brian R.]

Doctor's Visit

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"

"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."


The Pirate’s Hook

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."


Bad Bird

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears.

Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson.

He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again.

After about 5 minutes the man agrees to give the bird 1 more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, "What did the chicken do?"

[R-u-Ready]

Bill Gates, Al Gore, and Jesse Ventura were in an airplane that
crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addressed Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replied, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil
and that we
need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is
used, the whole
earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for
a second and
said "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Jesse Ventura. "Jesse, what do you believe in?"
The Govenor replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I
think people
should be able to make their own choices about things and that no
one should
ever be able to tell someone else what to do." God thinks for a
second and
says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

[Jorden]

What's the Zipper of Bill Clinton called???

The US Open....

[Guru]

Programmer's terminologies

Top 17 Programmer Terminologies

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still
pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO
THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very
hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind
schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing
blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised
that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person
who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the
situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the
screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you
have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've
already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!

17. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.