Announcement

**Jorden** · 28 June 1999, 06:47

Saw these Beta-Boyz being mentioned in another thread, and thought... good name for a group...

So guys, shouldn't you start a singing carreer by now ?? The Beta-Boyz...

Ask SwampyLady to do the backing vocals, so it won't be another boys band

Jorden.

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It's got a PIII-450, 256 Mb RAM, a G200, and something that makes the music.

I also got a bucket of ICEWATER for any FLAMER of the BETA-BOYZ

ICQ#9103941 (Auth. needed)

**PH Punk** · 28 June 1999, 07:31

Here is my first post, hope y'all like it !

Here are some funny sayings:

You fill a much-needed gap.

All my friends and I are crazy.
That's the only thing that keeps us sane.

What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.

If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.

Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
-- Anonymous

**merchant2** · 28 June 1999, 07:37

Here's my bit
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade
negotiations with the federation.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it
trades with other planets is certainly
an important enough topic to be the
entire plot of a Star Wars film.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil,
obviousry Asian race must prevair. I
wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.

INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

A droid enters.

LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin
attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration
of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to
destroy the CGI. They run outside.

EXT. NABOO

They run until they smack into some more CGI.

JAR JAR
Who might you be?

LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general
direction of Jar Jar, but
not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things
coming. Take me to your homeland.

JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I
will guide you to the land from which
I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't
selling well enough.

JAR JAR (cont'd)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to
saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica
mon, okeyday?

EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right
above Jar Jar)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for me
and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business
to attend to.

JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears
to be better in technology than the kinds of things in
the original trilogy.

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far
this time. I will tell the senate and
you will be in a lot of trouble.

EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.

EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were
the queen.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen
at the time. The voice changes don't
help you figure this out.

EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids,
capture the queen.. or Padme.. er..
just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, ****, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN
and other members of her staff onto a ship and they
escape. They go to Tatooine.

INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE

JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.

NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.

JAKE LLOYD
Am I the only one disturbed by the fact
that I'm gonna bone you in episode
two?

LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so
I can get the parts I need and free
you.

JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race.
He'll get hurt.
(pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.

GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of
this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had
to sacrifice a part of my grand vision
for these movies to include a part
that could be turned into a game, so
buy it or I'll do it even more in
episode 2.

JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become
very important in the next movie. He also has to leave
his protocol droid, THREEPIO.

AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever
mentioned in the original trilogy?

GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking
of stuff I'm just making up, how do
you like the midichlorian bullshit I
pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.

YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is.
Clouded his future seems. Vague my
worries are.

LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will
bring balance to the force. I'm
training him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, mutha****a. What
the **** is wrong with you, bitchass?
I'll ****in' kill you! I'm gonna be a
****in bad ass in the next two ****in
movies, you know. My toy has a
****in lightsaber.

LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and
train him myself, then. So there.

He exits.

INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.

Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-
CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

EXT. NABOO

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now.
Regardless, your cheesy-looking race
of annoying, unrealistic characters
need to ally with our badly acting
race of creatures so we can capture
this one guy.

BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film
revolves entirely around us capturing
one, pretty insignificant guy?
Doesn't that make this whole thing
kinda pointless?

NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than how this
entire film revolves around taxes
on trade and the cutting off of one,
pathetic little planet half-filled
with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?

Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight
sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a
black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black
face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one
insignificant guy and we really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and
we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.

Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-
battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We
care a little bit.

INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS

MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle
which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography
and is thousands of times better than any other
lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid
battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to
the good one.

DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell)
Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising,
especially to those of us who bought the film score which
has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then
kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on
the side and holds on for dear life.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced
fighter and there is little question
you could kick pretty much anyone's
ass.

DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
Muahahahaha.

Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber,
jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button
on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands
there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.

EXT. SPACE

JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is
pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm
so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the
ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.

JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave
Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all
the droids and just makes everything great, because it's
always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with
a slapstick accident.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge
party ensues.

AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this
celebration has convinced me that the
tiny, pathetic problem that has been
taken care of is actually really
significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the
mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what
actually happened was the future-emperor has actually
manipulated everything, come into great power, and that
one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
thousands more have been created.

GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them
come out sooner, but I work very hard
on my films, as I am an independent
filmmaker due to my disgust with
Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy
some Star Wars toys!

END

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i spend way too much time and money on my 3 systems.

**Helevitia** · 28 June 1999, 07:39

I must get 20 jokes a day here at work so I thought I'd add one. I especially like number 1. Enjoy!

Subject: The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"

11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."

10. "Feel the force!"

9. "Foreplay, cuddling-a Jedi craves not these things."

8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"

7. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."

6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"

5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."

4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."

3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"

2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"

1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more for good measures:

SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos (Triple Expressos Carmel Makeado) as
"getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and
he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom
of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells
for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make
a purchase is foreign to you.

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You find you really need Power Point to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dave

**merchant2** · 28 June 1999, 07:52

Helevitia

you forgot one

you spend more than 3 hours a day browsing forums

**merchant2** · 28 June 1999, 07:52

Helevitia

you forgot one

you spend more than 3 hours a day browsing forums

**Shlooky** · 28 June 1999, 07:54

Thought you might like this one.

"Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees
in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field
engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are
not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items."

hehe.

Shlooky

**Jammrock** · 28 June 1999, 07:58

HERETICS!!!!!! BLASPHEMERS!!!!! INGRATES!!!!! Sorry, had to say it. Damn those were funny jokes. Some of them where a little demented mind you, but humorous. BTW, you realize merchant2 that you just spoiled the entire Star Wars Episode 1 movie for the non-North American community. Bastard.

Jammrock

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Celeron 450 (6 x 75) w/ Step Thermodynamics YUKON cooler, 256 MB PC133 SDRAM, 18 GB WD Expert (7300 RPM), CL Encore 6x DVD w/ Dxr3 decoder, (soon will have) G400 MAX, Sound Blaster Live! (full retail), Cambridge Sound works Desktop Theater 5.1.

**neo** · 28 June 1999, 08:00

For those that don't know, Samuel L. Jackson appears as a Jedi Master in the new Star Wars prequel.

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace Windu" say in the Star Wars Prequel.

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the mother****in' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy mother****er.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every mother****in' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the **** we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, mother****er.
5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the mother****er's a carpet. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. Whats the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother****er" on it.

------------------
Asus P2B-F, 496MHZ Pentium II (4x124!!), Global Win VEK12 hs/fan, 128MB Micron PC133, Maxtor 4GB, SB AWE 32, Creative DVD 2x, Mitsumi CDR 2x/8x, Sony Trinitron 17", Old Matrox Video Card, and a redhead with a pair of 36Cs (O/Ced to 38Cs)

**SteveC** · 28 June 1999, 08:01

Hey! This is more like it! Keep up the spirits!

------------------
Cheers,
Steve
It's Only A Graphics Card!
(But a damn good 'un!)

**Helevitia** · 28 June 1999, 08:08

neo,

You know, the Samuel L. Jackson joke you just sent out is one of my favorites, but thought it would be to harsh for this crew(well, at least some of them), so I didn't even bother, glad you did though.

Merchant2,

Definitely one I missed

Dave

**ALBPM** · 28 June 1999, 08:09

With "Paul Mahl" for a name, thanks to my Fathers sense of humor, the new Star Wars movie has been a blessing.

I haven't heard a cigarette joke in response to my name for awhile now. Instead I have become "Darth Mahl"

Hey, he does look better with my hair. Mwahahahahaha

**merchant2** · 28 June 1999, 08:12

jammrock opps oh well done is done.

oh ya heres another one A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. She announced that
she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know about the affair, he gave the nurse a
large amount of money and asked to leave the country and go to Germany to wait out the pregnancy and give birth there.
‘But how will you know when our baby is born?’ she asked him.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘after the baby is born, just send me a postcard
and write ‘Sauerkraut’ on the back.
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to
Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him
at his office.
‘Dear, you have received a very strange postcard from Germany in
the mail today,’ she said.
I don’t understand what it means’. ‘Just wait until I get home and
I’ll read it’ he replied.
Later that evening, when he returned home, he read the postcard,
which said:

‘SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH
WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT.’

------------------
i spend way too much time and money on my 3 systems.

**Alfie** · 28 June 1999, 11:17

Two brothers,one 8 yrs.old and the other 5 yrs old were having a discussion.Said the 8 yr to the 5 yr.old,you know I think were old enough to start swearing...so tomorrow at breakfast i'll say hell and you say ass.The next morning at the breakfast table the mother asked the 8 yr.old,what he would like.Oh hell,how about a bowl of cereal,he replied.The mother gave him a swift slap.She then turned to the 5yr.old and in a stern voice asked,and what would you like for breakfast?The 5yr old answered,I don't know,but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be cereal!

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