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SteveC
28th June 1999, 06:32
OK, it's about time we had this again... I'll start with a couple of 'slightly twisted' jokes... http://forums.gagames.com/forums/wink.gif

There was a young girl sitting on a beach with no arms or legs. A bloke walks by and hears her crying. He turns to her and asks 'Why are you crying?'. She replies: 'I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed!'. Feeling sorry, he bends down and kisses her.
He starts to walk on, and the girl starts crying again. He turns round and asks 'Why are you crying now?'. She says: 'I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been screwed!'. So the bloke picks her up and throws her in the sea. 'Now you're screwed!' He says.



There was a young girl in the car being driven home from school by her dad. They drive past two dogs having sex. 'What are they doing?' Says the girl. Not sure what to say, her father says the first thing that comes into his head: 'They're making sandwiches'. Later on in the journey, they drive past two pigeons also having sex, the girl asks: 'What are they doing, daddy?'. Again, her father says: 'They are also making sandwiches'. When they get home, the girl asks her dad is they can make some sandwiches together, her dad obliges and they get to it. A short time later, the girl's mother comes home, and asks what the girl's been doing that day. The girl says excitedly: 'We've been making sandwiches!'. Her mother says: 'Yes, I can see that, you still have some mayonnaise running down your leg'.

------------------
Cheers,
Steve
It's Only A Graphics Card!
(But a damn good 'un!)

Jorden
28th June 1999, 06:47
Saw these Beta-Boyz being mentioned in another thread, and thought... good name for a group...

So guys, shouldn't you start a singing carreer by now ?? The Beta-Boyz... http://forums.gagames.com/forums/wink.gif

Ask SwampyLady to do the backing vocals, so it won't be another boys band http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif

Jorden.

------------------
It's got a PIII-450, 256 Mb RAM, a G200, and something that makes the music.

I also got a bucket of ICEWATER for any FLAMER of the BETA-BOYZ

ICQ#9103941 (Auth. needed)

PH Punk
28th June 1999, 07:31
Here is my first post, hope y'all like it !

Here are some funny sayings:

You fill a much-needed gap.

All my friends and I are crazy.
That's the only thing that keeps us sane.

What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.

If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.

Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
-- Anonymous

merchant2
28th June 1999, 07:37
Here's my bit
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT


FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade
negotiations with the federation.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it
trades with other planets is certainly
an important enough topic to be the
entire plot of a Star Wars film.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil,
obviousry Asian race must prevair. I
wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.

INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

A droid enters.

LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin
attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration
of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to
destroy the CGI. They run outside.

EXT. NABOO

They run until they smack into some more CGI.

JAR JAR
Who might you be?

LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general
direction of Jar Jar, but
not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things
coming. Take me to your homeland.

JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I
will guide you to the land from which
I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't
selling well enough.

JAR JAR (cont'd)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to
saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica
mon, okeyday?

EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right
above Jar Jar)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for me
and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business
to attend to.

JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears
to be better in technology than the kinds of things in
the original trilogy.

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far
this time. I will tell the senate and
you will be in a lot of trouble.

EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.

EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were
the queen.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen
at the time. The voice changes don't
help you figure this out.

EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids,
capture the queen.. or Padme.. er..
just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, ****, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN
and other members of her staff onto a ship and they
escape. They go to Tatooine.

INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE

JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.

NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.

JAKE LLOYD
Am I the only one disturbed by the fact
that I'm gonna bone you in episode
two?

LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so
I can get the parts I need and free
you.

JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race.
He'll get hurt.
(pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.

GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of
this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had
to sacrifice a part of my grand vision
for these movies to include a part
that could be turned into a game, so
buy it or I'll do it even more in
episode 2.

JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become
very important in the next movie. He also has to leave
his protocol droid, THREEPIO.

AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever
mentioned in the original trilogy?

GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking
of stuff I'm just making up, how do
you like the midichlorian bullshit I
pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.

YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is.
Clouded his future seems. Vague my
worries are.

LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will
bring balance to the force. I'm
training him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, mutha****a. What
the **** is wrong with you, bitchass?
I'll ****in' kill you! I'm gonna be a
****in bad ass in the next two ****in
movies, you know. My toy has a
****in lightsaber.

LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and
train him myself, then. So there.

He exits.

INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.

Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-
CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

EXT. NABOO

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now.
Regardless, your cheesy-looking race
of annoying, unrealistic characters
need to ally with our badly acting
race of creatures so we can capture
this one guy.

BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film
revolves entirely around us capturing
one, pretty insignificant guy?
Doesn't that make this whole thing
kinda pointless?

NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than how this
entire film revolves around taxes
on trade and the cutting off of one,
pathetic little planet half-filled
with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?

Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight
sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a
black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black
face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one
insignificant guy and we really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and
we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.

Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-
battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We
care a little bit.

INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS

MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle
which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography
and is thousands of times better than any other
lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid
battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to
the good one.

DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell)
Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising,
especially to those of us who bought the film score which
has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then
kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on
the side and holds on for dear life.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced
fighter and there is little question
you could kick pretty much anyone's
ass.

DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
Muahahahaha.

Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber,
jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button
on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands
there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.

EXT. SPACE

JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is
pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm
so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the
ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.

JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave
Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all
the droids and just makes everything great, because it's
always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with
a slapstick accident.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge
party ensues.

AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this
celebration has convinced me that the
tiny, pathetic problem that has been
taken care of is actually really
significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the
mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what
actually happened was the future-emperor has actually
manipulated everything, come into great power, and that
one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
thousands more have been created.

GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them
come out sooner, but I work very hard
on my films, as I am an independent
filmmaker due to my disgust with
Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy
some Star Wars toys!

END


------------------
i spend way too much time and money on my 3 systems.

Helevitia
28th June 1999, 07:39
I must get 20 jokes a day here at work so I thought I'd add one. I especially like number 1. Enjoy!

Subject: The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love


12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"

11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."

10. "Feel the force!"

9. "Foreplay, cuddling-a Jedi craves not these things."

8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"

7. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."

6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"

5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."

4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."

3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"

2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"

1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more for good measures:

SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos (Triple Expressos Carmel Makeado) as
"getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and
he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom
of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells
for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make
a purchase is foreign to you.

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You find you really need Power Point to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dave

merchant2
28th June 1999, 07:52
Helevitia

you forgot one


you spend more than 3 hours a day browsing forums

merchant2
28th June 1999, 07:52
Helevitia

you forgot one


you spend more than 3 hours a day browsing forums

Shlooky
28th June 1999, 07:54
Thought you might like this one.

"Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees
in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field
engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are
not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items."

hehe.

Shlooky

Jammrock
28th June 1999, 07:58
HERETICS!!!!!! BLASPHEMERS!!!!! INGRATES!!!!! Sorry, had to say it. Damn those were funny jokes. Some of them where a little demented mind you, but humorous. BTW, you realize merchant2 that you just spoiled the entire Star Wars Episode 1 movie for the non-North American community. Bastard.

Jammrock

------------------
Celeron 450 (6 x 75) w/ Step Thermodynamics YUKON cooler, 256 MB PC133 SDRAM, 18 GB WD Expert (7300 RPM), CL Encore 6x DVD w/ Dxr3 decoder, (soon will have) G400 MAX, Sound Blaster Live! (full retail), Cambridge Sound works Desktop Theater 5.1.

neo
28th June 1999, 08:00
For those that don't know, Samuel L. Jackson appears as a Jedi Master in the new Star Wars prequel.

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace Windu" say in the Star Wars Prequel.

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the mother****in' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy mother****er.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every mother****in' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the **** we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, mother****er.
5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the mother****er's a carpet. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. Whats the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother****er" on it.


------------------
Asus P2B-F, 496MHZ Pentium II (4x124!!), Global Win VEK12 hs/fan, 128MB Micron PC133, Maxtor 4GB, SB AWE 32, Creative DVD 2x, Mitsumi CDR 2x/8x, Sony Trinitron 17", Old Matrox Video Card, and a redhead with a pair of 36Cs (O/Ced to 38Cs)

SteveC
28th June 1999, 08:01
Hey! This is more like it! Keep up the spirits! http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif

------------------
Cheers,
Steve
It's Only A Graphics Card!
(But a damn good 'un!)

Helevitia
28th June 1999, 08:08
neo,

You know, the Samuel L. Jackson joke you just sent out is one of my favorites, but thought it would be to harsh for this crew(well, at least some of them), so I didn't even bother, glad you did though.

Merchant2,

Definitely one I missed http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif

Dave

ALBPM
28th June 1999, 08:09
With "Paul Mahl" for a name, thanks to my Fathers sense of humor, the new Star Wars movie has been a blessing.

I haven't heard a cigarette joke in response to my name for awhile now. Instead I have become "Darth Mahl"

http://home.att.net/~albpm/darthmahl.gif Hey, he does look better with my hair. Mwahahahahaha

merchant2
28th June 1999, 08:12
jammrock opps oh well done is done.

oh ya heres another one A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. She announced that
she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know about the affair, he gave the nurse a
large amount of money and asked to leave the country and go to Germany to wait out the pregnancy and give birth there.
‘But how will you know when our baby is born?’ she asked him.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘after the baby is born, just send me a postcard
and write ‘Sauerkraut’ on the back.
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to
Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him
at his office.
‘Dear, you have received a very strange postcard from Germany in
the mail today,’ she said.
I don’t understand what it means’. ‘Just wait until I get home and
I’ll read it’ he replied.
Later that evening, when he returned home, he read the postcard,
which said:

‘SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH
WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT.’



------------------
i spend way too much time and money on my 3 systems.

Alfie
28th June 1999, 11:17
Two brothers,one 8 yrs.old and the other 5 yrs old were having a discussion.Said the 8 yr to the 5 yr.old,you know I think were old enough to start swearing...so tomorrow at breakfast i'll say hell and you say ass.The next morning at the breakfast table the mother asked the 8 yr.old,what he would like.Oh hell,how about a bowl of cereal,he replied.The mother gave him a swift slap.She then turned to the 5yr.old and in a stern voice asked,and what would you like for breakfast?The 5yr old answered,I don't know,but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be cereal!

mragsdale
28th June 1999, 11:58
Here's a couple:
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one they began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying, broke, and made a mess." "and what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put your eggs in one basket!" said Kathy. "Very Good!" said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?". "My family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is don't count your chickens until they hatch."
"That was a fine story, Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" Yes Ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail-out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank all the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out bullets, then he killed 20 more with the machete til the blade broke and then he killed the rest with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."


A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs...."Honey would you like some of this?" "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear!"

Matt

ALBPM
28th June 1999, 12:51
THIS IS FOR MEN THAT ARE TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES!

1) How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
2) Why is a Laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman?
Because women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
3) Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4) How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
5) How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven.
6) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
7) All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
8) What's worse than a male chauvinist pig
A woman that won't do what she's told.
9) What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
10) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
11) Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called wedding cake.
12) Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said dust.
13) In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
14) Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
15) A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
16) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

Paul

SwAmPlAdY
28th June 1999, 13:30
Howdy,

Pauly, I'm telling your wife http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif

A guy walks up to a woman and asks her if she would sleep with him for a million $$. She says yes. He then asks her if she would sleep with him for $1. She says, "no way, what do you think I am?".

He says, "we know what you are, we just have to negotiate a price"

PH Punk
28th June 1999, 13:31
This one is pretty good too (sick, but good !):

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last
very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned
that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the
rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his
office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered
an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his
solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the
highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He
closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he
felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental
fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, What?" He heard,
"This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm
checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better
check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!

GinoCyber
28th June 1999, 13:31
Hey, I think the beta boyz should slap themselves silly and go parachuting http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif

Ciao

ALBPM
28th June 1999, 14:00
Darn it SwAmPlady, can't a guy have a little fun now and then.
Ok I'll change the subject


An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swinging' this way and that. In the
fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!", remarked the seaman.

"And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook.."

DOH !!!
Paul

ALBPM
28th June 1999, 14:07
Hey SwAmPlAdY, are you a blond?? Heheh

Subject: Y2K Solved By Blonde

A memo from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:

"I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions.
Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
Thank you!"

Elie
28th June 1999, 14:07
Hi SwAmPlAdY,

boy do I have a song for you http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif
It's called the "mansong" just let me know and I'll e-mail it to you or I'll give you access to my ftp site http://forums.gagames.com/forums/wink.gif

Regards,
Elie

Cauldron
28th June 1999, 14:32
Two guys are out fishing in a lake. The first guy casts out and gets a bite. He reels it in. It's a genie lamp. Here rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says 'I'll gant you one wish, but you must make it fast'. The first guy says 'I wish that the whole lake was beer!'. The genie turns the whole lake into beer and flys away. The second guy smacks the first guy over the head. The first guy said 'What the hell did you do that for?'. The second guy says 'Now we gotta piss in the boat'.

Dan

SwAmPlAdY
28th June 1999, 14:47
Howdy,

Yeah yeah yeah, pick on us women again http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif

- Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

- What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

- Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

- What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

- Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

- Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

- How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

- How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

- Why did God make men smell so bad??
So that blind women can hate them too

- God must have been male
Would a female designer have put the pleasure palace next to the sewage works?

- Two stupid hunters are walking thru the woods. One says "Look, a dead bird."
The other looks up and says "Where, where?"

- A stupid man always tells a woman he understands her. A really stupid one tries to prove it.

Here's a comeback for you men out there.

Wife: Giving natural birth is the worst pain in the world. No man can ever endure that much pain.

Man: Oh yeah. I'm sure that when a prisoner is getting tortured, he is saying to himslef, "at least I'm not giving birth". http://forums.gagames.com/forums/smile.gif

SteveC
28th June 1999, 19:49
Just a quickie:

What do you call a Serbian prostitute?

Slobber-down-me-leg-you-bitch (say it fast!)

------------------
Cheers,
Steve
It's Only A Graphics Card!
(But a damn good 'un!)

acobra
29th June 1999, 16:12
This thread is defiently needed w/ what's going on around here lately!!!

More STAR WARS:

THE SAME CHARACTERS AND ALIEN PERSONALITIES THAT EXIST IN SPACE THRIVE IN MANHATTAN...SOME COMPARISONS...

R2-D2
A diminutive, chattering nabob who doesn't really do anything but always comes out well no matter how bad things get.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Woody Allen

C-3P0
A self-important, preening nance who you wouldn't mind seeing get blown into hyperspace.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: George Stephanopolous

DARTH VADER
A malevolent, helmet-headed despot who rules with the iron fist of evil, but will never get to be emperor.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Isn't this one obvious...Rudy Giuliani

LUKE SKYWALKER
Naive and earnest, the Skywalker is none too bright and forever coping with his parent's legacy. His name, however, is still a force to be reckoned with.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: JFK, Jr.

OBI-WAN KENOBI
A wise, ancient sage who represents a more gracious, almost forgotten age.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Mario Cuomo

LANDO CALRISSIAN
Skillful and slippery, you want a Lando on your side - but count the silverware after he leaves.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Raoul Felder

YODA
A green, wrinkled species who talks nonstop and occasionally has a good idea.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Ed Koch

CHEWBACCA
A huge, brave, and fiercely loyal creature - but also totally incomprehensible.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Patrick Ewing

JABBA THE HUT
Glooey, gluttonous, vindictive.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Al Sharpton
...or for Sports fans WE CALL HIM: George Steinbrenner

BOBA FETT
A cold, effective bounty hunter who will do anything Darth tells him. For the right price he will shoot anyone 41 times.
IN NYC WE CALL HIM: Howard Safir

PRINCESS LEIA
Born to the throne, this princess is driven, shrill, and has lots of bad hair days.
IN NYC WE CALL HER: Hillary Rodham Clinton